[1/21] I’ve lost my writing mojo
No, baby, no!
WTF is this? A series of daily ‘stacks challenging consistent writing habits, influenced by Julia Cameron’s Morning Pages Exercise from The Artist’s Way. These pages are *meant* to be private - fear and loathing in a Google Doc style. But I need accountability, so Substack is my resolve.
🎧 Today’s writing soundtrack:
My instant coffee steams.
I’ve sneakily added a dash of whole milk despite committing to raw dogging the beans with purely water. The world still turns.
For reasons unknown
The space dash icon thing flickers impatiently for me to muster up words of reason (does that little guy have a name? Surely he does). My mind, though comparable to the London Underground during rush hour in terms of chaos, unhinged happenings, and overstimulation, is drawing a blank. Typical.
It’s been 84 years since I’ve had a semi-decent creative thought. And given I’ve only traversed planet Earth for 31, you can see that the economy is not the only thing suffering a cataclysmic deficit.
I am being hyperbolic. Yet here I sit with my palms tugging at my face, a dramatic performance for an audience of one and my laptop.
I’m being ridiculous. I write every day. So much so, I think I’m starting to develop carpal tunnel or arthritis. Or worse, I’m dead and I failed to fulfil my creative duty so hard in my previous life that I am destined for an eternity typing into oblivion with no resolve, direction, or ounce of writerly genius to my name.
When will I ever feel like a real writer? A Creative Writing PhD, successful freelance copywriting business turned agency, articles published in a global travel magazine, numerous screenwriting awards, working as a strategist and writer for arguably the biggest household name in the world - what will tip me into officially accepting my role as “demiaspeywriter”?
Why do you write like you’re running out of time?
Consistency, baby.
And I don’t simply mean writing daily. I write more daily than many do in an entire 12-month span. I’m not saying that to be egotistical.
The polar opposite. I write every f*cking day. In my mind, I am the luckiest soul in the world to get to practice what I love AND get paid for it. I’ve hit the privilege jackpot, and there’s not a single sunrise that passes me by where I don’t count my gratitude chickens.
But I have failed.
Failed to touch my screenplay that has needed re-editing since last June (I’m the one setting the deadline and simultaneously avoiding it).
Failed to publish my weekly Studio Sonder build-in-public newsletter (though no one gives a hoot).
Failed to follow up on part 3 of my Severance brain dump (to reiterate, no one gives a sh*t, but it haunts me while I’m mid distraction-task that I have let down an audience of zero).
My office appears semi-tidy for once. But I feel claustrophobic, Darren! I’m mentally engulfed by a mounting pile of writing “failures” I’m hoarding because I refuse to be consistent.
Cue the “but I’ve been busy/burnt out/exhausted” excuses. Agreed. But I’ve still managed to rage through 6 seasons of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, 2 seasons of Vanderpump Rules and most of a season of Below Deck.
Do I try one last justification by way of the fabulous Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder? I honestly can’t be arsed. After twenty-eight years on a mind safari trying to uncover what species my brain is, promptly followed by the last two years convincing myself that my findings have huge errors and I’m a fraud.
I’m not. The writing is on the wall.
It’s just not on my bloody Substack, in Final Draft, or anywhere it can advance my “goals”.
My brain is neurodivergent. But I am a scaredy cat. The two are not intrinsically linked on this occasion. I need accountability. I need to prove my “consistency” life script wrong. I need to provide evidence that I can.
Archetype: The Writer
“Oscar Wilde said that if you know what you want to be, then you inevitably become it - that is your punishment, but if you never know, then you can be anything. There is a truth to that. We are not nouns, we are verbs. I am not a thing - an actor, a writer - I am a person who does things - I write, I act - and I never know what I am going to do next. I think you can be imprisoned if you think of yourself as a noun.”
― Stephen Fry
I’ve spent my whole life trying on masks to blend in. Over the past 12 months, the masks no longer fit. I am finally becoming.
These shells of who we are are asserted by what we do, providing little more than cages for us to relentlessly beat ourselves with no hope of escape. We put our whole weight on how the external world perceives us; we forget to honour our internal North Star.
I write to make sense of a world that doesn’t make sense. It does not mean that my (personal) writing must make sense to everyone. It needs to make sense only to me. And often, it’s not what we write, but what we choose to omit. The subtext between the words we deem worthy of space on a page.
My message to all writers out there:
Show up and write something, anything. Words written, expelled from your mind and transformed into any medium are writing. Stop performing. Stop judging. Stop self-criticising. Just f*cking write. As an act of rebellion. As a message to your inner critic, you've gotten their memo and are choosing to disregard it.
Accept that you must be sh*t before you get to be good, and you must fail repeatedly before you ever get a shot at greatness. And the sheer irony of it all?
Good doesn’t exist. Art is subjective. Stop chasing the imaginary unicorn, and instead become it.
Be writing.
And keep taking messy action daily,
D x
P.S. I’m attempting this challenge as part of Studio Sonder’s 21 Hard: Creative & Mindset Challenge.
⭐ 21 Days
⭐ Daily Consistency Challenges
⭐ 2 Bonus Weekly Challenges
It is not intended as an additional “thing to do.” It is designed to help you make space for your mind, body, and creativity.
Our goal: By doing this together, we can prioritise the things that make us feel good, hold one another accountable, and make some REAL progress. Here is each step of the challenge, including (soft) rules and guidance if you would like to participate.
Check in with me daily on my Substack or get involved with our Creative Rebels - use code STUDIOSUMMER50 to get 50% off your membership for 3 months.